Only If For A Night
by Zodiac Fairy
Summary: Amanda's hiding something, and Olivia's destined to find out what. /:The only thing she wished was that the beautiful brunette would let someone in. More specifically, her.:\ ROLIVIA Slight AU.
1. The Start

**Ta-Da! Changed details so Olivia and Brian were never dating. Also, the whole Nate and Amanda thing in Rapist Anonymous didn't happen. Along with her gambling again. Another thing, this isn't going to be all sunshine and daisies for the two ladies of SVU, okay? (At least I don't plan on it.) If my twisted brain decides they get some happiness at one point, I doubt it'll last long. I got the idea for this from the song Only If For A Night by Florence = The Machine.  
**

**You'll see what I mean later :)**

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The pace had been too fast for her. First, the whole Lewis situation, then Amaro's fallout, then lastly, being promoted to Sergeant. It was too much. Way too much to take in at one time. Never in her life had Olivia Benson been under so much stress. It pained her in ways she didn't even know were possible. She felt broken. She wanted this to all be over. She just wanted some peace for a while.

She began unscrewing her second bottle of wine. It was taking too much not to open it. It was like two different forces speaking to her. One telling her not to become her mother, the other telling her that as soon as she gets enough down, she won't have to think anymore.

"I'd put that down."

Olivia jumped at the voice and pulled her gun. Her eyes reached the door.

"It may be night to remind you, I have a gun too, Olivia."

The brunette let out a relieved sigh. "How the hell did you get in here, Amanda?"

Amanda smirked and chuckled to herself. "Well, before I left the precinct, Nick gave me his spare. But it wasn't necessary considering you left your door unlocked, Liv." Her tone changed to seriousness at the last part.

Olivia just groaned and sat back down on her couch. She pushed her case files aside. "Well, I'm okay. You can leave."

"Yeah, no." Amanda sighed. Her sea green eyes fell on the half-open wine bottle on the table. The light hanging over the living room seemed to illuminate it. Olivia reached for the bottle, totally ignoring the Southern Belle's presence.

But Amanda wasn't intoxicated. Her fingers gripped the neck of the bottle just when Olivia was reaching it.

"Hey! What are you doing?" The brunette scoffed.

"Trust, you'll thank me later." Amanda let out a long sigh and poured the wine's contents down the kitchen sink drain.

"Why don't you just leave me alone?!" Olivia groaned.

But Amanda simply shook her head and poured other wine bottles scattered around the kitchen down the sink. What she wanted to say was she cared too much. But she knew better than to cross that line right now. It would be better to just humor her and let her sleep it off than to have her hung over at work next week.

After the blonde got of the wine in the sink, she stood looking at her sympathetically. Olivia had her head in her hands with her elbows on her knees. Amanda had a lot of room for understanding. Liv had been through a lot these past months. The only thing she wished was that the beautiful brunette would let someone in. More specifically, her.

* * *

The senior detective woke up that morning on her couch with one of the worst hangovers ever. A blue blanket was stretched over her body sloppily. But the one thing she was grateful for acetaminophen pills and a glass of water on her coffee table. She sat up, a bit too fast, which worsened her headache further.

She took the pills with the water and sat back on her couch waiting for the effects to pass. Her brown eyes landed on a piece of paper resting on the edge of her coffee table.

_You're Welcomexx_

Olivia recognized the handwriting immediately. After a few years looking at her DD5's, paperwork and just about every time she wrote something. It was written in Amanda's neat script. Olivia always thought the blonde wrote strangely.

Then it hit her.

Amanda Rollins had witnessed her in her weakest moment. Amanda had seen her drunk, intoxicated. Soon to be even drunker than she was. But instead of calling her out on it, Amanda simply helped. Olivia groaned realizing the problem here. She owned Amanda an apology. She decided to sober up some more before going to see Amanda, even though it was already noon.

It had taken Olivia Benson no more than 30 minutes to find her way to Amanda's apartment. And she was nervous as hell. Why? She had no clue. Maybe it was the thought of showing up at the blonde's apartment without invitation out of the blue. But after realizing there was no way to avoid the inevitable, she knocked on apartment door 3A.

She listened closely to the sounds coming from inside the apartment door. Laughter and talking. The sound was like sweet silk to Olivia's ears. It'd been a long time since she heard anyone happy, more the less herself.

After about a minute, the door opened to reveal Amanda. Olivia noticed how casual she looked, dressed in jeans and a red and grey pull over hoodie with her hair in a loose ponytail. But the one thing that stood out was her smile. Sure, she smiled a lot on the job. But this one was different

"Earth to Benson?" Amanda said waving a hand in Olivia's face playfully.

The brunette realized she had been staring at her. Oh shit. "U-Uh, um. Thank for last night, you didn't have to do that."

"I know I didn't _have_ to. I _wanted_ to. Come in." Amanda stepped back from her door.

Olivia heard more laughter. The air felt tight. "No. Maybe I should go?" And she began walking away. But she felt a warm hand on her cold skin that felt like pure electricity.

"It's okay, Liv." Amanda said endearingly with a smile.

Olivia smiled back and followed Amanda in the bright apartment.

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**Should I continue? Don't forget to review and let me know.**


	2. The Secret

**Some people might have misinterpreted what I meant by not all sunshine and daises, I meant that they will get a happy ending, but it's not going to be easy. It's not going to be all sad either.**

**Hope you enjoy :) Thanks for all the positive feedback. It made my day.**

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When she had entered the apartment, the bright light had practically called her headache back for round 2. But her headache was the least of her concern with the butterflies in her stomach.

A young girl with blonde hair, Olivia guessed somewhere around 11 or 12. And she looked strangely familiar…She was occupied with a board game. The child's blue eyes looked up at Olivia and Amanda and she raised her eyebrows.

"I'm sorry; I didn't know you had company." The brunette said facing Amanda.

"Eh, it's fine." Amanda took a deep breath. This was the first time Olivia had been in her apartment—casually. And it made her mind spin.

Olivia watched as the young child stood up. The senior detective smirked at her outfit; grey jeans and a red 'A Day to Remember' shirt. Never in her life had she met someone this young into rock music. The blonde girl walked over hesitantly to Amanda and stood behind her.

"Um, who is that?" The child pointed at the brunette.

"Do you have to be rude?" Amanda asked rolling her eyes playfully, but with a serious tone.

"I'm sorry! But she keeps staring at me. Make it stop." The blonde hid behind Amanda further.

"I'm sorry, she just looks a lot like you…" Olivia let her words drag on. Did Amanda have a daughter? No way. They would've known. _She_ would've known.

"Well I guess that's a good thing. Harper, your mother is going to slaughter me if you don't get back on time." The junior detective looked at the watch around right wrist.

The whole time, Olivia was still wrapping her head around the idea that Amanda could have a daughter. Maybe Harper was just some girl she knew? But Harper looked a lot like Amanda. It's highly likely, but increasingly unbelievable.

"Ugh. Do I have to? At least at your house I actually **have** fun. Michelle is boring…" Harper groaned and banged her head softly against the kitchen counter.

"It's not my choice." Amanda sighed.

"Okay, okay." Harper said and began putting her hoodie on before picking up a black Jansport backpack. "Bye, mom."

_What?_ Olivia thought.

"Call me when you get home or I'll send a search party after you." The Southern closed the door after Harper exited and turned to face Olivia. "I bet I have some explaining to do."

"Um, not really. I-I totally understand, your personal life is yours. But it would be nice." Olivia smirked slightly at the end.

"It's a long story." The blonde raked her fingers through her hair.

"I've got time."

* * *

The senior detective took a long sip of the hazelnut coffee Amanda had given her. The warm liquid seemed to melt even further down her throat. But in front of her, Amanda seemed anxious. With all her heart, Olivia wanted to tell her there was no need to be. Instead of comforting her however, she took another long sip and kept her eyes on Amanda's.

"You know, I didn't mean to pry. You don't have to—"

"No." The blonde began before clearing her throat. "I would have had to explain sooner or later, I just didn't know how."

"I honestly don't know where to begin." Amanda chuckled awkwardly, and Liv thought it was the cutest thing.

"Maybe I should just ask the questions?" Olivia said.

"Um, sure."

"Okay, this is going to be fun." Olivia put on a bright smile. She was excited to actually learn something about Amanda for a change. The blonde was always secretive.

"How old is Harper?" Olivia quizzed.

"She turns 13 in a few weeks."

"And you're her biological mother?"

"Yes, I went through IVF to have her."

"Is it okay if I ask why?"

Amanda choked on her own coffee in shock.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry. If it's too personal—"Benson began.

But Amanda stopped her. "No it's fine. Just caught me off guard there."

* * *

The two women continued talking for about an hour, although it was mostly just questions about Harper from Olivia. They talked their way through to two cups of coffee. And Olivia had almost forgotten what she even came to the blonde's apartment for.

"Okay, so let me get this straight, you were engaged to a woman, had Harper, but then broke off the engagement?" Olivia asked setting her empty coffee mug down. "Am I right?"

"I think that is the most original way anyone has summed up my life." The junior detective chuckled.

"How were you even able to keep this a secret from the squad for so long?" Olivia asked.

"I'd say I'm quite cunning." Said Amanda with a wiggle of her eyebrow. "But with all seriousness, she's part of the reason I came to New York."

Olivia raised her own eyebrow. "Her mother moved her and Harper up here. So I decided to join them." Amanda explained.

Olivia nodded her head in an understanding manner and stayed silent soaking in this new information about the blonde. It was surreal to her how people could basically have a whole other life. But Benson did have to give credit; Amanda did an amazing job of hiding it.

The whole idea of Amanda having some secret life just seemed to make her more phenomenal in the senior detective's eyes. Then she remembered where she was; in Amanda Rollins' apartment, discussing her past life in Georgia as if it was something they did every day. She was right there looking into sea green eyes and casually talking. Well, it was an improvement from being nervous.

"How come you never told anyone?" The brunette asked.

"Believe me Liv; I don't have a problem with people knowing about Harper. But then the whole part of me being a lesbian would come out and I'm just not ready for anyone to know. Well, besides you." Amanda sighed.

"The reason I came here in the first place is that I wanted to thank you for what you did the other night." Olivia said. "You seriously shouldn't have done that."

"For the second time, Liv, I wanted too. The last thing I would want to see happen is us getting a new detective because you drank your way down." Amanda smiled before picking up both the empty coffee mugs and putting them into her sink.

"Well I should go." Liv said standing up off Amanda's couch and heading towards the door.

"Sure…" Amanda mumbled unlocking her door for Olivia. She was afraid she had freaked out the older woman. It's not exactly every day you tell someone that you have a child no one knew about.

"I'll see you at work tomorrow?" Olivia questioned when she stepped out into the hallway.

"Yeah. See ya, Liv." Amanda answered, and with that, the girl—no, woman of dreams exited her apartment out into the dark streets of New York.

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